First Bank of Shake
by A.Fox
Summary: Master Shake attempts to profit off of Nazi gold, Aldo Raine takes takes notice, Frylock wishes he didn't and Meatwad watches things he doesn't get at all.


(I don't own the rights to anyone here, and if I did that'd mean I'm a very rich mother*quack*er…there's a couple of minor characters I do but they're just small OCs, and I don't particularly care about them. If anyone here is wondering why people are appearing outside of the time they should actually live, or are, y'know, not dead, then you may be high, this is an Aqua Teens story. Also, to further capture the feel of the show, I'll be adding a little touch in regards to the F word…)

"GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD!" Doctor Weird bellowed again in his lab, which looked exactly the way it normally does, save that there was a baloney sandwich located right on one of his computers (the one near Steve). Steve was also there and currently noticing the sandwich curiously, walking over it as his boss ranted "I HAVE-"  
"Hey Doc" Steve curiously asked as he picked it up "What ki-"  
As Steve turned to see his boss, he was flabbergasted to see that Weird's eyes had grown very wide and he was absolutely mortified "YOU FOOL!" He yelled out in distress "YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!"  
Doctor Weird then hurriedly ran towards the back wall (whose Rabbot shaped hole had never been filled in) like he was in the running of the very pissed off bulls, screaming his head off until he was long out of earshot.

(Cue classic theme and we're good to go).

"Frylock!" Shake bellowed out "Have you seen my Iron Cross?!"  
The aforementioned box of floating fries scowled and hovered over to his room, where he could clearly hear his bossy roommate "Shake, how many times have I told you to stay out of- What the *honk*?!"  
As he floated right in, Master Shake was covered from head to circular foot in full, over the top Nazi regalia, he wore a red armband with Swastika, he had a cap with another one, he had a black uniform tailored to his unique shape decorated in numerous (most likely fake) medals, he had jodhpurs, and held a riding crop in his hand.  
And he was scowling right at Frylock with his usual look of severe irritation.  
"Well?! Have you seen it?! I'm in a frigging hurry!"  
Frylock's surprise was all over and he then glared right at Shake "Shake, you better have taken up LARPing…"  
"Hell no! There's no swag in dressing like a knight and saying I'm Dorky McDickless, and no swag means no ass! And to think they gave you that Novel Prize! I know you cheated me outta that cash!"  
"Shake, I told you cars were already invented when you presented it to them. And it's 'Nobel Prize', not Novel Prize"  
"Bullshit! Cars don't exist! They're just trolls who crouch down for people to ride them, and shove vibrating shovels up their asses to make them work."  
"Shake, sometimes I wonder why you're so stupid…I mean, how in god's name is this?!"  
"I'd blame it on dad."  
"Yeah I usually do…but still, why the hell're you dressed up as a Goddamn Nazi?!"  
"Ah, I see you noticed, congratufrigginglations! Now you'll actually earn that damn novel prize!"  
"It's Nobel Prize!"  
"Tsk, tsk, and you call me a Nazi! Grammer's not important!"  
Meatwad suddenly rolled in holding an Iron Cross "Hey, any of y'all know what this here is? I've been trying to watch TV for nine hours and it's been stuck right up my-"  
"Gimmie!" Shake yelled, running over and quickly yanking it out of Meatwad's hands, looking very pissed "You little shit! Why'd you try to rob me?!"  
"What? But I didn't-"  
"I swear to god! You better be damn glad I don't have a pizza oven right now or you'll see how we deal with swine in the old country!"  
"SHAKE!" Frylock angrily yelled "If you don't tell me now why you're dressed as a *squawk*ing Nazi, I am going to burn your head off!"  
Shake, unable to comprehend the danger he was in, but uncharacteristically complying nonetheless, turned to face Frylock, looking quite smug "You remember that stupid documentary you showed us last week?"  
"The one I had you watch so you'd realize why it's a horrible thing to say that the Nazis wasted their pizza ovens?"  
"Yeah that, I remember the ending, the part where it mentioned Nazi gold, and it occurred to me…Nazis don't have banks."  
Frylock's jaw dropped as he realized just what type of stupidity Shake was planning this time "Oh my God…Shake, you're not seriously planning to start a Nazi bank are you?"  
"Oh gee, what else am I doing dressed up like Johan Schmidt?"  
"Shake, you know the Nazis are dead, right?"  
"That's where you're wrong Frylick, my partner and I found some guys who are willing to invest in a brand new bank for the cause of funding the rebuilding of the Aryan People's nation…and my new pool.  
"And believe me brother, the day of the Aryan Milkshake is about to start! Now if you excuse me, I've got to wipe off the meat juice, because the guys are meeting me in half an hour and I gotta get this sumbitch ready."  
Shake kicked Meatwad out of the way and shuffled out of the room "Achtung!"  
Frylock was still in absolute shock over this and Meatwad himself was just confused "Hey Frylock, can I watch HBO?"  
Meatwad didn't get a response at all, so he took that as a 'yes'.

~

Over at the meeting place…which happened to be Carl's house, Shake was speaking to the two Nazis who'd came out to try and invest their money in Shake's 'bank.'  
One of them was a fat man with greasy blond hair, a suit and a wide grin, and the other was a bald, tall, musclebound stormtrooper in a Nazi war uniform with a spiked helmet…and an arm that was constantly saluting.  
Shake himself was not concerned in the least, and communicating just fine with the two Germans, and waiting for his associate Carl to show up.  
"I must say herr Shake" 'Smiler' said, shaking his head sadly "I am very disappointed with der facilities you haf on display."  
Shake's eyes rolled "What? You don't like it? You think I'm stupid enough to have actual offices?! The Jews'll smell gold in a second! Here they're more likely to smell crusty magazines!"  
The Smiling Nazi looked like somebody had told him the secrets of the universe, and was in total awe of Shake's bullshit logic.  
"Brilliant!"  
"Yeah, I know I am. Now, my assistant should be along shortly, to explain some of the many features of choosing to store your precious gold here."  
As if on cue, the backdoor opened and the owner of the house showed up "Hey Shake! You here already?!"  
"What do you think tubs?!"  
"Yeah you are here…how the hell did you get around the locks?!"  
"I told you they were coming today! I had to do something! Thank god I know where to find the bricks and you've got windows on the ground floor."  
"Goddammit Shake!" Carl yelled as he plodded along to the room "You owe me a frigging window!"  
"Buddy, you can buy your own win-" Shake's eyes widened in surprise as he saw what Carl was wearing.  
Unlike Shake, who'd stolen, acquired his outfit from some guy on ebay, Carl was wearing a Village People outfit (the biker guy to be specific) which he'd modified with several crudely drawn Swastikas, wearing his usual outfit underneath that…and a Swastika bearing armband made out of his brown stained underwear.  
Shake was lost for words…not! "What the hell is this?!" He yelled "I told you to get an outfit! Not look like you came out of a pride parade!"  
Carl glared at Shake again "Well when you haven't got the first *awooga*ing clue where to get one of these things and your cousin just happens to mention that the Village People are in town, you gotta improvise!"  
Shake glared at him "Buddy, you oughta damn well be glad I don't got a pizza oven right now."  
"You wanna suffer a gas attack cup?"  
Shake's eyes widened and he gulped "N-no."  
Carl then proceeded to point at Shake "That's what I thought, now, did these suckers give you the gold yet?"  
"No they didn't, I don't understand it."  
"Well you just started talking to them dumkoff, now watch a master at work."  
Carl put his hands on his hips and walked right over to the Nazis, "Alright, whadda you want?"  
"Vell" 'Smiler' began, still keeping a chipper mood and grin…actually he didn't even hear Carl and Shake's argument "Ve are mostly convinced, but ve must ask, do you have any proof that ze Jews won't be able to smell our gold?"  
Carl chuckled "Brother you have no idea, hang on a sec" He walked out of the room and returned with a large mason jar filled with a suspicious white substance, which I won't explicitly name because good lord I have standards! "You know what this is?"  
"No."  
"Well take a whiff of this shit I've been saving to throw on those animals next door and if any kike can smell through this, they'd have to be Superman!"  
Carl unscrewed the top of the jar and held his breath, Smiler leaned over it, took a breath and recoiled in horror "Mein Gott! That smells vorse than Grandpa when I had to euthanize him!"  
"Yeah it totally reeks, and you can't get this out of magazines or socks, and that's why I wear flip flops. Now, you impressed enough to give us your gold?"  
"*honk* yeah!"  
"By the way, why's Fritz there got his arm like that?"  
"He has a cramp."

~

Many, many miles away, in the Fuhrerbunker, Adolf Hitler was attempting to go to work with his newest plan…and discovering a slight setback, completely in German…thank God for Google Translator.  
"Mein Further" said the young man who delivers bad news to Hitler "Your gold was stolen in a scam."  
"I told those genetic defects to get a real bank!" The subject of many an internet video grumbled "Those assholes! This sucks!"  
"Go get someone to find out if Fegelin is responsible. Fegelin! Fegelin! Fegelin! Fegelin!"

~

Back at the Aqua Teen household, Frylock returned home from a long day at Aperture Science and hoping the order his boss made for large amounts of neurotoxin was nothing to worry about…then he saw someone else's order had come in.  
Because there was a large amount of possibly full cardboard boxes in the living room, in the form of a…castle?  
Suddenly, just as Frylock was beginning to realize what'd just happened, Meatwad popped right out from behind the wall, looking like he was Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones.  
"Avast! An invader is invading the fantasy kingdom of Westeros, where naked people wrestle on beds and everyone dies!"  
"Meatwad! When the hell did you watch Game of Thrones?!"  
"Well you told me I could!"  
" But- I-…oh forget it, just where the hell did you get these boxes?"  
"They came for Shake, he said something about 'spoils of war' and 'time to lure some bitches in here' and 'they have to sell chloroform in bulk somewhere.'  
Frylock's eyes narrowed in a glare and floated over to his room to see if Shake was still there so he could give him the business.  
As he floated in, Shake was again behind his computer and trying to order even more stuff over the internet.  
"Hell yes I'm gonna invest in that! Uwe Boll makes the best films!"  
"Shake! Did you even try to launder that money? Or even sell the gold?"  
"Why would I? They ain't gonna ask for it back!"  
"It's bad enough you're carrying blood money, but do you realize what they're going to do to you?"  
"What, give me another Iron Cross?"  
Before Frylock could chastise Shake, he heard a very audible knock on the door "Now go get the door slave!" Shake sneered "I'm sure my twelve pack of hookers finally got here."  
The food scientist glared at Shake again but floated back over towards the door to see who was there.  
And when he opened it, he realized that Shake's scheme was indeed noticed, but not by the Nazis.  
Standing in front of the door stood an army lieutenant from the Ozarks, eight Jewish soldiers also from the army, and an ex Nazi officer who was just standing around ominously sharpening a knife, everyone but Shake knew who these guys were, the Basterds, AKA a Nazi's worst nightmare.  
The French fry box could have sworn that WWII movie music was somehow playing (for those of you who've seen Inglorious Basterds, it's the music that was playing when they broke out Stiglitz), and he realized something bad was gonna happen because they were all obviously armed and they seemed eager for a good Nazi killing.  
Aldo Raine placed his hands in his pockets and walked right over to Frylock "Howdy" he greeted "This 12086 Asshole Street?"  
"Uh yeah…uh, are you guys just cosplaying or are you really the…Basterds?"  
"Shoot man, you would be surprised how many people've asked me that, I gotta say we appreciate the fans, but that gets real annoying real fast, know what I mean? You're lucky to be a box of fries sir, if you ever had fans, none of 'em could commit affectionate identity fraud."  
"I'm not so sure…people can be quite inventive."  
"Like Stiglitz over there? Shit, 'til I met him I didn't know you could skin someone alive and let him live."  
"Uh yeah" Frylock nervously said "I mean I never knew that was possible until now."  
Deciding to just try and maybe end this now he changed the subject "So…why're you here?"  
"Son, are you a loyal son of these United States of Asskicking?"  
"Uh, you mean America."  
"I'm starting a petition to change its name, Asskicking sounds a *boom*load better, don't it Donny?!"  
"*crash*in' A sir!" The Bear Jew proudly bellowed.  
"Hells yeah!" Raine grinned.  
"Well…technically I'm a US citizen, I was created here by…an absolute maniac, just like my roommates…but I'm the only one who took the citizenship test."  
"Goddamn illegal Nazis!" Raine muttered.  
"Uh, am I missing something?"  
"Me and the boys here, we heard from some fat smiling guy we shoved in a pizza oven that we could find a Nazi's underground bank here, and we decided to go here for a grand 'ol time."  
"Oh, uh listen, it's not exactly what you think."  
"What, you saying the Nazi ain't holed up here?!"  
"Well, there is a scam going on…but there's no Nazi here."  
"Well I'll go inside" Aldo said, walking over the door, and opened it up "Come on in boys."  
Frylock's eyes might have been able to shoot lasers but he knew better than to mess with a bunch of bad mother*squawk*ers who had the power to blow him away at any moment, so he instead tried to talk them down before Shake did something really stupid "I'm not sure if you wanna do that, I was playing with my other roomie before you got here!"  
Inside, Meatwad looked over from his castle, now dressed as Rust Cohle from True Detective, complete with a cigarette, still standing on top of the walls, and he was amazed to see the Basterds.  
"Oh my God! It's GI Joe! Are you here to help me solve the mystery of who took that poor girl's clothes and tied antlers to her head?"  
"Nah boy, and that show was badass, but the only problem it had, was a lack of Emilia Clarke's hot, naked ass!"  
"Well I dunno who she is, but I sure wanted to see more of them dragons."  
"Shoot! Me and the boys'd love to show her ours!"  
"You got dragons?!"  
Before Aldo could say something predictably crude, Shake suddenly rang out "Hey! Are you the delivery guy for the twelve pack of hookers?!" He muttered out as he began to shuffle towards the living room "You're two hours late! I don't care if you live in Canada! That's no excuse to be late!"  
Shake shuffled in, still in full Nazi dress, and was very surprised to see the Basterds were all there, looking right at him in surprise, not actually expecting finding the Nazi this easy. Meatwad was surprised because he suddenly realized who 'GI Joe' were, and Frylock was frustrated because Shake had just *squawk*ed up and now he might not be able to talk the Basterds out of this.  
The staring based Mexican standoff suddenly broke after a very pissed Shake narrowed his eyes, glared and yelled out "What the hell are a bunch of kikes doing in the living room?!"  
Aldo's mouth grew into a wide grin "Goddamn I love the army! Seems we found our Nazi after all!"  
"Watch your tone redneck!" Shake growled, pointing a riding crop at him "I'm gonna lose a lotta money if my customers see a bunch of Jews here. So *honk* off before I get out my luger and-"  
Aldo rolled his eyes "Hey Donny! This 'ol boy wants to throw us out with the trash! You wanna take that laying down?!"  
"Hell no 'Pache" The Boston native growled, thumping his bat against the carpet in an attempt to mimic the thumping bass of a nightclub "The baddest mother*screech*er to ever be a Yankie's fan ain't gonna take it up the ass like that cup!"  
"Watch your tone you gen-"  
"No! You watch it you *growl*ing kraut! You see this! You see all'a this?!" He bragged, pointing at one of his arms "All this shit here's what I use to make my bread by making you *honk*ers into dough! So batter up bitch! 'Cause Donny Donowitz is comin' to make you inta paste!"  
The Basterd proceeded to charge after Shake, and the milkshake (despite his immense stupidity as seen by the fact he actually taunted Donny) widened his eyes in surprise, and thus proceeded to quickly ran right into Frylock's room and locked the door.  
"Stay out of the bunker!" Shake shouted, desperate to try and get Donny to leave him, and quickly trying to rifle through Frylock's stuff in hoping to find a gun somewhere.  
But little did he realize, that Donny was at the bat.  
"Heads up!" Cackled the half-crazed Brooklyn native as he began bashing down the door with his bat "Here's Johnny's dick!"  
As the club started to break through, it dawned on Shake how *smash*ed he was, so in hopes of avoiding death he dove through Frylock's window like a hero in some big budget action movie.  
But as he was not Bruce Willis, he quickly ran right for Carl's house like a coward, though granted there was the fact that he had a gun there, this however did not occur to him.  
Shake broke right through Carl's backdoor and proceeded to hide behind his couch.  
While Carl was sitting in it, still in his Nazi outfit.  
As he was watching a Red Sox baseball game, Carl glared angrily and turned to look behind his couch "Shake! What the hell're you doing, that's my damn hiding spot!"  
"The hell you mean your hiding spot?" Shake growled back at him.  
"I own this house!" He yelled back.  
"Well tell that to the angry kikes outsi-"  
Suddenly Donny ran right through the back door and into the living room, startling Shake, and Carl even more.  
"There ya are, ya Goddamn Nazi! I'm gonna kill you and catch the Yankies game tonight!"  
Carl's look turned from surprise to outrage "The *honk*ing Yankies?! Listen Jew, the Yankies are shit! The Dodgers kick ass!"  
Shake proceeded to begin edging towards the door, because he still had a chance to get away…and he knew better than to get involved in a conflict involving differing sports teams, he'd lost enough lives in the past over them.  
Donny's face grew pure red and steam hissed out of his nostrils "Care ta repeat that ya Natzi *fart*?!"  
Carl's glare grew more intense "I said the Yankies suck a- OH GOD!"  
The Basterd proceeded to enlighten Carl on his points of view with a sharp lecture from professor bat, unfortunately for fatso, professor bat couldn't speak worth shit so he had to communicate with Carl…by being smashed into his face repeatedly.  
And as Carl was being savagely beaten to death by the New Yorker, Shake quickly shuffled right out the front door…and also right into the Basterds.  
Aldo Raine's lips drew another nasty grin towards the wide eyed Shake as he stepped towards him "Nice try Fritz, but you gotta be dumber than the rat *scream* who thought he could hide from me in his mom's dress…gotta say, never thought I'd enjoy torching a crossdresser.  
"Got any last words milkshake?!" The Ozark descended colonel sneered as he and the other Basterds rose their weapons at Shake.  
Shake glared at them "Point those at yourselves this instant! I'm your commanding officer!"  
"The commanding officer of idjits and that fry box maybe."  
"No he's not" Frylock interrupted as he floated in.  
"Frylock! He-"  
"Shut up Shake" Frylock growled "You know, Carl's probably dead now."  
"So what?!"  
"This is your fault Shake, and a man should take his responsibility, especially when that responsibility causes a bunch of psychopaths to try and kill you!...No offense."  
"Plenty taken" Aldo growled "But not from you, now that there Natzi, he does, and we're gonna kill him."  
"He's not a Nazi" Frylock groaned, "He might hate Jews and act like one, but he's not, the only reason he wanted the gold was to take it from them."  
Aldo huffed "Prove it."  
"Since when do the Nazis accept milkshakes? Or get along with anything made by Doctor Weird?"  
Aldo was about to object until he realizes the French fries were telling the truth, Weird made the Nazis one flying carpet and ever since they wanted to kill him…not like he was supposed to tell them that it'd turn everyone who rode it into a vole with a cat chasing it.  
"And also, did you see the boxes in there? Shake's already blown the gold, if he was supposed to just store it, don't you think you'd have found it?"  
While this wouldn't have been enough to convince Aldo in Tarantino's film, it was enough here, because this is Aqua Teen logic baby!  
"So you're telling me that cup isn't a Nazi…"  
"Yes."  
"And we came all this way for nothing?"  
"Yeah."  
"…Well Goddamn! There goes my whole weekend!"  
Shake glared at Aldo and said one of the stupidest things he possibly could have said "Serves you right you bagel eaters!"  
The Basterds all cast a dirty look at Shake…except Aldo who realized something and donned a downright sinister grin.  
"On the other hand, he was holding their gold…and he's been a jerk to us, and worst of all, that rat *fart*'s wasted time we could have spent *honk*ing Nazi skulls with bayonets."  
Shake's face fell as he realized what he just brought on himself.  
"So hell" Aldo grinned "Maybe we should just take our ten pounds of flesh instead, sounds like a hell of an afternoon to me, beating the hell outta that bastard. What you boys say about that?"  
Cheering and roars of applause filled the air, surprising Frylock, and leading Shake to do the time honored tradition of any Nazi the Basterds found.  
Which was to shit his pants.

~

Master Shake was sitting in his comfy chair in a body cast, quite frankly he couldn't have anything less after what the Basterds did to him.  
"Now Frylock, here's what you gotta do" the greedy bastard having refused to quit "When Hitler's on the phone-"  
"Goddamit Shake! You nearly got killed already."  
"That's only because of some grinning retard who the gene pool could do without, all I need is some gold, and all of this will be the beginning of a new era, a-"  
The door received a knocking, which relieved Frylock greatly as the less time spent talking to this dumbass the better "Hang on a minute."  
Frylock opened the door and saw what had to be a Nazi who looked exactly like Christof Waltz, and smiling too.  
"Good afternoon, man of fries, I am Hans Landa of-"  
Frylock had enough of this shit and pointed to the chair "There he is."  
"What?" But Shake had barely any time before Hans Landa pulled out a big gun and filled him full of lead, leaving Shake as nothing more than bloody chunks.  
"Danke" Hans thanked Frylock, turning around…only to see Meatwad staring up at him, dressed as Westworld's Arnold Ford.  
"Hey Hans…these violent delights have violent…rear ends, I think."  
The confusion that was on Hans' face proved to be his undoing, as Meatwad pulled out a gun.

(Cue end credits)


End file.
